Kemet??

Whats that? I am always wanting to learn more. I always feel that there are always half truths going around making people think that they know everything and can look down on people who know less. Don't harbor you information, spread it. I am trying to learn more so that I won't continue to be one of these people. I am writing here, so I can spread it. Learn the truth and help others learn the truth.This subject is something I want to learn more about, because I feel that there is more that I should know and that there are people who know what I don't know. I want to learn more and be more educated about black issues, since it is one of my passions. I am reading an article in Our Weekly right now and its talking about a question that someone asked the author about why people find their pride in Egypt when it is such a small part of Africa. Sooo Kemet=Egypt? According to this article, yes. And Mesopotamia is not the birth of civilization but Kemet is. But then I have heard things about Egyptians not being labeled as Black. Well the truth, is that Egypt/Kemet is a mix of Mediterranean, Middle Eastern, and African heritage. This is why you can see a person from Egpyt look like they are not black.But Africans were supposedly in Kemet since 10,000 B.C.E and Middle Easterners, not until 7th Century A.D. I want to visit Egypt next summer. It is such a beautiful place and holds so much of our history.It also holds alot of mysteries and secrets. Like for example, if we ruled Egypt does that mean that we had slaves to build things like the Sphinx which represents Black King Khafre? Who were the slaves? Middle Easterners as depicted in movies or were the slaves just like us?

Jack!

I love her.

Pastelle?? Kidding me right??

I know some people are going ga ga over this ish.but I don't see nothing to write home about. Do better Kanye

This is a subject that has been beaten to death.

So I just made Great Womyn in Progress a Myspace page, so I have been searching for like minded pages. I came across the page for Black Girls Rock. I added it, and then proceeded to follow a link to their actual website. As I looked around the page, I saw that there was evidence that young girls are actually negatively affected by the over-sexed images presented on television. Now we have all heard this before about how hip hop hates womyn and how we can't bend over at parties because it shows our lack of self-respect, but actually showed evidence by a reliable source. I was never one who had an opinion one way or the other about the music videos and such, but I know that they could be a little bit too vulgar. I didn't care though, I love hip-hop and know that a lot of times artists are afraid to step outside of the box and not portray womyn as just sexual creatures. I wasn't the one to blame the womyn in the videos either, for a life lesson that I had to learn once is that, you get in where you fit in, and you do what you gotta do. I'm sure most of those womyn don't like doing what they are doing in those videos, but just feel that they don't have any other choice, that one day what they are doing will pay off and lead to something bigger. I just feel that parents need to monitor what their children watch on television, that people shouldn't watch those music videos(they usually are crap anyways) if they cannot decipher between image and reality.

EEk!!(and I mean that in the best possible way)

L.A. muthafucking GEAR is back.

I like totally loved LA Gear back in the day, even past the dry days after the label went belly up. I had this one cropped jacket, it was stonewashed with LA GEAR written in neon pink letters on the back. I wore it all the time, and didn't care about the weird looks I was getting(girls like me never do.hehe)I mean, seriously, this was only like the 10th grade. I actually think my mom threw my beloved jacket away!ugh. Parents just don't understand.

Seriously folks..LA Gear is what the game's been missing!

Click the title to learn more.

ugh. FUCKING CLICHES

1.If you have a tongue ring...you must suck dick.
2.If you wear make-up...you must be insecure
3.If you use the words nigga or bitch...you must be ignorant.


These and so much more, just run my nerves. Why must everyone fit your stereotypical image? Not everyone in this world is the same, no matter how many traits they may have in common. Everyone has something in common with everyone. Stop judging, you know you hate it when people do it to you.

What Thee Fuck?!

*To start off lets view the definition of Feminism

*Next lets look at the definition of Womanism

I guess I will just throw in the definition to fraternities also.

Now let us dissect each word more personally and in a more detailed way. Feminism was initially a movement to get women equal rights. People started to notice, though, that this movement was all-inclusive of white women only. So womanism was a movement created to include women of color.If you read the wikipedia definition of womanism, you can see it was a term first coined by Alice Walker in her novel, "In Search of Our Mother's Gardens". The movements are not competing with each other, and recently I noticed that modern feminism is more diversified. Fraternities, for the purpose of this post, I will be talking more about black fraternities, which are in the simplest definition, a organization. You can ask members and non-members of these organizations alike, what they are and you will probably get different explanations from each of them.

I don't pretend to be an expert on Fraternities or Greek organizations in general, but I do believe that I know more than the average college student. I also do not want to give off the impression that I am anti-fraternities. The main purpose of this blog is to enlighten others to fraternity members and others about the disrespect of womyn that these organizations perpetuate, it is also to express my disgust for the hypocritical ways of the members of these organizations.

Exhibit #1

Now I know that there glare may be a little distracting, but if you look closely you will see that Garcelle has no damn clothes on! This is a flyer for a Kappa party, needless to say, when I saw this I was disgusted, saddened, and disappointed. This is pitiful, using the half-clothes body of a female to garner publicity, money, and people to come to some little party, that may or may not be worth their time and effort. Not to mention, that I am sure Garcelle did not give permission for her likeness to be used in this way. I saw some brothers of KAPSI passing out these flyers and proceeded to give them a piece of my mind. Overall, they were receptive but I still don't believe that they grasped the larger meaning of what I was saying. I gave them the idea to have flyers with themselves on it, a handsome example of a Kappa man. Needless to say they liked that idea. They said that they would bring the idea to their chapter president.

Oh No He Didn't #2

So, I was in the library the other day, seeking refuge from my screaming brothers and annoying mom and finding solace in the internet that I hadn't seen in so long, just minding my own business. Along comes this guy I had noticed earlier had been watching me. This time he walked past me, looked at my computer screen and said, "This girl has been here alll day looking at Beyonce." Now mind you, I had just got to the library about 15 minutes prior, and I had yet to look at anything about Beyonce, but his ignorance is not even the worst part. I digress, another guy that he was with, that had earlier tapped me on the shoulder to show me some youtube video he was featured in. I smiled politely and chuckled, some fake, corny movie. Well when this guy heard the first guy's comment(they were together) he said, "Let her dream, man she wishes she was Beyonce." I should have cussed his dumb ass out but I stayed silent. I am still trying to figure out why. Like why would I want to be Beyonce, I love myself, I love being me, I love who I am, inside and out. Beyonce is a beautiful, talented, smart, strong, woman, and I respect her. I love her because she is a woman who empowers other women and because I love that she has values and makes good woman. With all that, coupled with the fact that she has fame, is rich, and a man by her side; I still do not want to be her. I am happy with my life and what I have. Why would that man think that I would want to be Beyonce? All the money in the world would not make me forsake who I am to be anyone else. Maybe be wants every woman to be Beyonce, maybe he wants to be someone else. I just wish he would not have perpetuated his foolishness onto me.

Oh No He Didn't!

Is Anyone Else Sik Of?

The plaid shirt...talk about a over-indulgence...I'm sick of it...everyone wearing it...and if I see another one, I am going to scream!

ugh...

You Little Virgin!

So the other day I was browsing through Bitch magazine’s blog entries when I came across an article about a situation that many of you may be familiar with; it was about a woman selling her virginity over the Internet. Anyway, the article got me to start analyzing the concept of virginity.

Virgin - someone who has never had sex. Instead of using definitions that dictionaries use, I like to use the definition that society uses. Though it can be argued that those are the worst kind of definitions, let’s use this particular definition for the purpose of this blog. The concept of virginity certainly involves an element of possession. Womyn “give” away or “lose” their virginities. Womyn in this patriarchal, homophobic society are always expected to give a man something in the context of a hetero-normative relationship. We “give” a man a child. We save our virginity so that we can “give” it to “the one.”

When is the last time you heard about a man “giving” a woman his virginity? Usually when people are referring to a man “giving” his virginity to a woman, they are BOTH virgins in the situation. Why are their sexist roles involved in sex? Can’t sex be something that is uninhibited by the confines of society? It certainly surpasses the spirituality of society.

Men “take” a womyn’s virginity, which involves an implied situation of coercion and force. The word ‘take’ is synonymous with rape. Take is synonymous with “take advantage of”. And what happens after a man so-called “takes” a woman’s virginity? Does he still have that virginity for the rest of his life? No one ever says, “he has your virginity”.  If they have sex again, does the woman get her virginity back? If you “lose” your virginity does that mean you can’t remember the guy that you “lost” it to? Does the man pass that woman’s virginity on to other girls? And how many “virginties” do trans people get? What if you were raped before you had the chance to willingly have sex for the first time, are you still considered a virgin? Is a person still a virgin if they have sex with a member of their own sex? Why does virginity never come into the situation again after it is given, taken, or lost? Why can’t we “share” in a person’s virginity? Why is virginity deemed a one-time event instead of a process done over time? Better yet, why can’t the idea of virginity and America’s obsession with it just die? Why must a woman feel guilty or inhibited when it comes to having sex for the first time, when a man is encouraged to have sex with the first opportunity presents itself? I think the whole “give, take and lose” politics of virginity is a manifestation of the objectification of women and our bodies and the fact that sex is treated as a commodity. Sex is used to sell everything from movies to cannibus club memberships. Sex is also used to make womyn feel bad about themselves, men are allowed to be sexual whenever the feeling suits them and womyn are not and if we are, we are harped upon.

In the rape culture that this society perpetuates, the man must always be the aggressor in relationships and sex. The man must always make the first move. Virginity is synonymous with pure. Why is innocence attriubuted to keeping your virginity? Why when you have sex for the first time, you aren’t “innocent” anymore? This can allude to the fact that womyn having sex is seen as a bad act in our culture, like there was a illegal act committed. In our culture, sex is taboo. It is seen as a right of passage, a defining moment in our lives that will bring about some drastic change. Little girls are taught to dream about the moment that they will have sex for the first time and with whom.

These are just a couple of the questions and problems I have with this concept. Will someone please tell what the fuck’s up with virginity?!

*cross posted at Refuse the Silence's Blog*

Pussy Power?

So my friend is about to perform in UCR's Vagina Monologues. I can't wait to see the show and see my friend perform! I'm thinking of making her a poster. So, in advertising for her performance she put a status that said ".....Vagina Power!" This status sparked a little bit of a debate among my friend and a guy that goes to my school. He responded to her status by asking her, "would it be outta pocket for him to say "penis power". What is Vagina/Pussy Power? I like to use Pussy Power more than Vagina Power because it sounds more radical. But anyways, to me pussy power is loving being a woman. Pussy power is knowing that you deserve respect and that you are beautiful enough and smart enough to break rules. Break the conforms of society that say a woman must constantly be the one that looks for a man, while a man must always be hard-core. The rules that say that a woman must be submissive and a man aggressive. The list goes on. I think the main misconception when it comes to pussy power is that it is purely sexual. Pussy power includes but is not limited to sexuality. Men may need the pussy, but when they get it, we have to be submissive. Pussy power, allows us to be more aggressive in the bedroom, allows us to talk about sex without being hushed. So what is penis power? Penis power, is knowing what a man is and not having to prove that by following what the rest of the world is doing, and by being overly aggressive.

Pussy Power! Penis Power!

I am privileged.

I have privilege. In a country where I always thought myself to marginalized and looked down upon in every way, shape, or form. I realize that I have privilege. I came across this revelation about five minutes ago, while reading my fresh copy of "Yes Means Yes! Visions of a Female Sexual Power and A World Without Rape", essays anthologized by Jaclyn Friedman and Jessica Valenti. So far, the book is really good and the essays enlightening. So, I am reading this one essay about female black sexuality, one of my interests, by Kimberly Springer. In the essay, she makes the statement, "remain mindful of my own heterosexual privilege". It was the first time I had ever known someone that is apart of any marginalized still openly admit that they might have it easier than other people in some ways. I have always have these visions in my mind of the person who has the most opportunity to be discriminated against. She is of a marginalized racial group. She is, obviously a lady. She is a member of the LGBTQ community. She is fat and she is a immigrant. I always feel sorry for her. I always feel that I have it easier than her because I am, American born, heterosexual, and relatively thin. I have privilege in these ways. I fit the societal mold, in these ways. Does this make me happy? No. I wonder what its like to be her. I want to deal with even more of a struggle. I am still marginalized but, not in every way. I realize that. Just like a white person must realize that he or she has a privilege in this country. I have it easier than she does. Acknowledging her struggle, does not diminish mine.

Creative Spaces

So I just came back from this International Women's Day Celebration event at my school. It was a really good event, and inspiring too. A lot of different artists came up and did creative pieces. The headliner of the event, though, was a transgendered spoken word artist by the name of Skim. Ze did excellent and displayed a lot of hir different talents and parts of hir personality. There was also a writing exercise where we had to write down a list of words to describe ourselves. My list went like this:writer, poet, loud, outspoken, opinionated, activist, organic, smart, beautiful, feminist, humanitarian, lover, friend. We also had to write a list to describe what we felt in a community of womyn. My list went like this: With you I feel and see/in a community of womyn I feel; love, strength, humor, and beauty. I want to build: love, celebration, community, and understanding. I promise myself to:trust myself and love those worthy of being loved.


Click the title of this post if you want to learn more.

The Politics of Being "Mixed"

Ok, I am not African. I am African-American aka regular ol' Black. Now I do have a firm belief that all black people are the same no matter where you are from, but I also recognize the differences between the two cultures and also the divide. People often mistake me for African and don't believe me or are surprised when I tell them that I am African-American. They say I look too "exotic" to be African-American. I get a lot of people who think I am Egyptian, Ugandan, Ethiopian, Eritrean, etc. I am proud to be who I am, but I also appreciate the African heritage as one that is my own. One aspect of the divide that I feel is an internal problem, is the one that 1. Africans know what country original ancestry is from, while African-Americans do not because of slavery. 2. People fear, create, and perpetuate stereotypes about the unknown. For example, I have been told many times that Africans believe that African-Americans have had a lot of luxuries afforded to them and that we don't appreciate what we have, as well as us being ghetto. 3. Ignorance. For example, I've heard African-Americans that believe we have no culture and have no appreciation for America. First, allow me to say that American Black culture is one of the most influential and culturally diverse in the world. Hip Hop is just one example of this. Also, of course of country has problems; name me one that doesn't. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't love your country, just as Africans show pride for their country. America is a great country and we should love this country and our culture within it as well as the entire continent from which our ancestors came. 4. Seperatism. I love diversity just as much as the next sane person, but when the appreciation of diversity doesn't actually appreciate diversity but tears us apart instead, there is a problem. There is nothing wrong with being proud of what African country you are from, but when you make that pride into a way to belittle others who are not from that country, that is when I question the integrity of that pride. It pains me to see people that always want to be something than what they truly are. It pains me to see the "exotic" girl that doesn't look like everyone around her is labeled beautiful just because of that. It seems as if the farthest you are from "regular ol' black" that's the most proud and beautiful are, which I believe is also a part of the good hair/bad hair, light skinned/dark skinned complex comes from.

Why I Choose Not To...

Derogatory words to describe womyn. So, I'm beginning this new journey. I am elimination words, like bitch, ho, cunt, slut, etc. from my vocabluary. To some these are not derogatory words at all, simply words used in a playful way or words used to describe womyn who posses those characteristics. A bitch is someone who has a bad attitude. A ho and a slut are womyn who have sex with a lot of men. But then you get to the word cunt, a that word is used simply to describe a woman. I don't like when words that are also used to demean women, our body parts, our sexuality, and our being are also used to decribe our gender. It is not just an issue when males use these words, but also when womyn use them.

Okay Now It Is Finished

So I am sitting here in the waiting room.Waiting.For my brother and my mother to come out of the doctor's office.My brother has an appointment today.Well I am sitting here reading a article in Newsweek.It's titled Lessons from Locke, written by Donna Foote.Well, you know what Locke she is talking about do you not? Yea, that is correct, Locke high school in Watts. One of the, shall I say, roughest, toughest, baddest schools in the Los Angeles area.That is my area, my neighborhood.And all we got is a bunch of beaten down, underprivileged bullshit schools, that work hard to do the opposite of what should be done.What they do is kill a child's dream, kill a child's hope, and most horribly they kill a child's way.A kid graduating(if they graduate at all) from Locke, or Jordan, or Dorsey(all in LA Unified School District,which is one of the worst), will either feel one of two ways.Broken, or ready to conquer the world, after survival that hell hole..Why is it that they almost always feel broken.I went to Morningside for a year, not as bad as the others.But I DID feel as though no one was there to learn and that not one of the officials there cared enough about getting an education only about the school's reputation, which I guess is not ALL bad. So whose to blame? Should we even blame?Who should we blame for the busted school campuses and the incapable teachers?My mother is the only person that got me to the point I am at right now.Not that I am at any point right now.I just realize that its more that a lot of other people are.My mom always made it so that I did not view college as just a option.It was a must, even before I started to get interested in how much education is needed to ensure a person's future.She never forced me to go to college, but embedded in my mind that it was the next rightful step after high school.From early on she stressed the importance of academic excellence,though, I did not always achieve it.She always kept tabs on what homework assignments and projects I needed to complete.She made sure she checked my homework for mistakes and neatness.She went to parent/teacher conferences and rewarded good academic progress.But what good is all this if the schools you attend fall short?You can make the best out of your experience, but no matter what the white kids at the white schools are still getting a better chance to go to those white schools.Is it just because they are white? I'll say yes.Because being white goes hand in hand with white privilege, while we are left to sit alone and ponder the achievement gap.If there's no books to teach in, no desks to sit at, no classrooms to teach in, and of course, no money to fund a better, inventive education, then students fail.Of course, a select few will flourish in this type of environment, lets hope they do not forget about the people that still need help, as so many others do. In a capitalist society, everything costs money. And when motivation has a price on it, it gets tiring.That was my problem throughout my education and still is one.I have problem seeing that missing one minuscule homework assignment will lower my grade, especially when all I want to do is watch the newest episode of The Hills.High school did not prepare me for college, which is why I find myself struggling in college.I did not develop study skills or any other good habits.I should have forced myself to earn better grades and develop the skills that I needed for the future, instead I slacked off and it was allowed by the school system. I can definitely sympathize with the incoming freshman when they say they are scared to come to college because they do not know HOW to study. This is typical since when you are in school the primary goal is not always getting an education, like it should be.I want to help people, I want to help people overcome the problems that I faced because I know better than anyone how to overcome them. I want to help people overcome the problems that this world can bring. I find myself wanting to be a teacher sometimes to better the education system and create and get involved in the reformation of the US education system. I am sure many people have heard of the alarming statistics about how we will one day lose our position as a world power if today's children keep getting the weakest education possible in the United States. I want to be a teacher, until I realize that I do not like kids and that I have a hard time explaining things. I will stick to being a lawyer and one day we will sue the United States government for giving us the poorest education possible, when the children of politicians get the best education possible. Did you know...that if you are illiterate you have a higher probability to commit a crime. So really by not improving education the government is biting their own self in the ass. But how do we at the most basic and grassroots level change education when we have practically no help from the federal government? When everyday we are seeing how it is harder and harder to survive and make a meaningful living without a higher and higher degree of education.I will just say advocate for the need of a good education for today's youth, and if you want to be a teacher and like kids, do that, who cares about the money when you are making a difference.But a raise for teachers, wouldn't hurt either. These damn senators shouldn't be getting paid that much, especially when the Senate is supposed to mirror the population. There is also a lot of possibilities for advancement when you are a teacher, principles were usually once teachers, and they make good money. If I do have kids, I am going to send them to the worst school possible and then I am going to advocate for better materials, and better teachers, and a challenging curriculum, not only because I want to ensure my future child's future, but this nation's future. I love America, hate the government.

Then there's the issue of the CAlifornia High School Exit Exam; a derivative of No Child Left Behind. The problem with No Child Left Behind is that it is backed by virtually no money, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and good intentions is about all No Child Left Behind has, and definitely not any resources. Lets assume the reason why passing the CAHSEE is a necessary requirement is because it would mean that if you could not pass the test then you failed to learn what you needed to learn in your educational career and that you cannot succeed without this information. I feel that if a student cannot pass the test then it is not solely the student's fault. It is the parent's fault, and the schools that taught that student, so why are on the students being punished? Why isn't the school and therefore the government being held accountable also?

The other thing that helped me get to this point, is theother schools that I attended, they weren't the best but they weren't the worst either. There was an environment at those schools that everyone was focused on school. When it came time to apply for college, everyone was doing so, it was the culture of the school during that time. Never should a student, in this day in age, not know when the deadline is to apply for a UC, not know what they have to do to come here, and fall by the waist side.There are schools out here, where no one is going to college, and no one is telling these students that they should go to college.

Teach for America link for wanna be teachers:http://www.teachforamerica.org/

Gates(as in Bill & Melinda Gates,big advocates of education) Foundation link for students:http://www.gatesfoundation.org/default.htm

Image vs Reality

So I was just reading the article behind that satirical (racist) New Yorker magazine picture. But I had to stop so I could write this post. My question is where is the satire? I see no extremes and no call for change in the depiction as required to call something satire. I vote no. But that is not what this post is about. It is about (as the title suggests)…image versus reality. Lauryn Hill is the realest bitch I know. She was quoted as saying, "Fantasy is what people want, and Reality is what they need. I am trying to create reality" I might have misquoted that a bit. I am trying to educate. Then maybe you will educate your children and not hide from them the evils of this world. Then we can finally get a leg up in this world, we can stop being the victim, and since we are oh so good at entertaining, we can stop playing the part so well, and we can stop being oppressed and we can actually get our reparations. I hate when people flaunt their knowledge to show, that they have it instead of for the betterment of others. I want to educate for us. Therefore, I am putting this out here, and it is my hope that some of you can add insight. I am not saying that Bill Clinton was a horrible president, not even that he was a bad president, and not even that his bad deeds outweighed his good deeds. The truth is that we will never be completely satisfied with any candidate or president especially when they look so different from us. What I am saying though, is that, I want us to be able to realize that this world is full of players and even if you are not playing a game, it might be playing you. We must learn that people will put a veil in front of your face to mask the truth. Did we let Bill Clinton's veil/image shield us from the truth/reality? Did you know that more black men went to prison during the Clinton administration than any other besides the Reagan administration? Did you know that Clinton sent more jobs overseas during his administration than any other other administration besides the Reagan administration with his signing of the Outsourcing act into Law? He supported the practice of exploiting for Indian, Indonesian, Chinese families for their cheap labor, making/allowing them to work in deplorable conditions, at the risk of losing limbs, for extremely long, strenuous hours at a time. Little girls and boys who should be getting an education helping to support their families...Clinton let this continue. All the while, we had nothing to say about it. We loved him; we shucked and jived for him, when we should have been the ones that stood up, that spoke out that said something, anything! Instead, we invite him to our awards shows, and dub him "the first black president". Toni Morrison said that he would be closet we ever got to having a black president, besides the fact that she is eating her words right now, I would have hoped such a prominent figure in our community would see what this man was really doing to our community. Did you know that when Clinton won the presidency he abandoned his promises for universal health care and instead changed a 60 year tradition; federal guarantee of support for poor families and their children; a core provision of the Social Security Act and cut off aid to immigrant families, an action that he before called "particularly harsh" and "unjustifiable"?

Every president will have to make decisions that do line up with their promises and our maybe even their beliefs. However, do we have to stand by so idly and even support the man when he did so wrong?

Why was Clinton regarded as a black president? Usually, someone has to be in support of and protect our interests to be down. Nevertheless, not this time huh? We laughed with him about his sexual escapades while he laughed behind our backs. The joke was on us. Now there is nothing that we can do now, he is no longer our president. Maybe he was the best president that we have had thus far, though. Moreover, maybe somebody could prove me wrong. I am always open to learning more.

Love Does Not Exist

Love does not exist. Love does not exist, not the word, not the definition nor the idea. Did you know that in some languages in some cultures there is no such word as "love"? It simply does not exist. So that when you eventually feel what you THINK is love, you can not just say it, you must explain what that feeling is. Try telling someone you love them without using the word itself. You must explain how they have changed your life, you must show them how blessed you are to have them, you must tell them how you can not stop thinking about them. All of this, to make them understand that you can not live life without them. People so often misuse the word love, making it obsolete. It now means nothing when you tell someone you love them. You must now tell them why, a concrete reason to why and how, and what it means to love them must accompany that statement. People use that word so recklessly that there almost is no word for it in the English language.

I love YOu
More than the word itself expresses
The word so often misused and abused

Betrayal

Comes from so many sides
When someone I love so much
Cares so little
It brings a tear to my eyes
Makes me want to stop the giving to avoid the taking
Stop being real to avoid the faking
Stop flying to avoid the fall
Wishing that I had real friends that would take me for my mistakes
Not judge, but look out for me
When it seems I am ready to fall
Love is not their life
Life is their love
But these girls stay rocking their fuck me pumps
And I’m sick of being apart of their Gucci bag crew
Where are the womyn that love themselves
And want more than new shoes?
Quick gratification
Inconsiderate and useless
Giving the clothes off my back
With nothing in return
But a lonely sigh and an emotional burn

Some girls want to pretend that they know this guy
And are with this man
Although, he may not be the man with the plan
Why waste your time trying to be Miss Popularity
People love you one minute and leave you the next
Like a man
Like a one nightstand
Part time people
Part time friends
Bad things
And just as well all good things must come to an end

Poetic Revelations

So today I performed a poem in front of an audience for the first time. It at an event for sexual assault awareness, called Take Back the Night. You might have heard of a similar event before. I was nervous, but it was really chill, so that was good. I wish that I could have put more feeling into the poem, but next time I'll do better. I am going to be performing at a event on May 23rd. I am going to write a poem soon and practice it, so that it can really be good and I won't be so nervous. Poetry is becoming a bigger part of my life. I've been writing poetry for many years now, but was always too nervous to say it in front of an audience, but I really wanted to say this poem. I love spoken word, I watch Def Poetry all the time, and have even memorized some of the poems that appear on there.

Here's the poem that I said tonight:

I was raped once. But in my mind I've been raped every day of my life because what happened that day has been spinning like a turntable in my head. Back and forth, spinning, around and around, spinning, playing, again and again. Everything from that scence stays warped in my head. And this has become such a part of me that I'm thinking that I should PLEAD insanity.

I was raped once. And every since that day I've been raped 365 days a year. See I was at this party and yes I had been drinking, and yes my shorts were short. But this time I was just looking for a good time without sex.

I didn't say yes but I didn't say no. Because I didn't feel I had the right to. Because someone like me should be happy to have someone like him want me, sexually. I didn't say no but I didn't say yes either because I was afraid of disappointing him. I believed my own being to be so feeble that my sole purpose was so please him. So I lay there as cold, quiet, and un-inviting as my body could sub-concouisly muster. And I wondered how it feels to fuck a partner, who remained so still. How it feels to dominate, how it feels to hate, what created you. I tried to answer these questions and others in my mind while my insides were simultaeneously being ripped apart. I thought about why both of us in this bed hated me so much that we didn't see that it was my right, my right, my right, to say no. No matter how much I had been drinking, no matter how much you consider me a ho, it was my right, my right, my right, to say no.

But he didn't just hate me, he hated himself so he subjected that hate on the opposite of himself. Like the KKK on the black man, like the rich on the poor man.

I didn't say yes but I didn't say no. Because I was afraid that he would try to hurt me if I rejected him.
So as I lay there, being no agent in my pleasure, my freeing or my captivity, I searched for a place in my own mind, where the sun shone like diamonds and my body was mine.

I am the video vixen. I am the ho. I am the bitch. I am the girl who wanted it, who deserved it. I am your girlfriend, your mother, your daughter, your sister, your friend.