I Never Title My Poems

I'm tired of the silence.
Silence is a privilege.
It allows me to keep it hidden.
It allows me to keep it contained.
It allows me to control it.
It allows me to shirk responsibility.
Im afraid of what I might be forced to do once I come out.
Im afraid of all the tests I might fail.
Im afraid to deal with it.
Silence is a death.
And I've gotten so used to living in silence I don't know how to speak.
I've gotten so used to living in isolation, I don't know how to connect.
I've gotten so used to keeping it all together, I don't know how to let it out.
I've been forced to keep a secret, I never knew how to tell.
Now I'll have to explain something, when I don't even know how to speak.
But I can only think of the possibilities.

Love Does Not Exist

Love does not exist. Love does not exist, not the word, not the definition nor the idea. Did you know that in some languages in some cultures there is no such word as "love"? It simply does not exist. So that when you eventually feel what you THINK is love, you can not just say it, you must explain what that feeling is. Try telling someone you love them without using the word itself. You must explain how they have changed your life, you must show them how blessed you are to have them, you must tell them how you can not stop thinking about them. All of this, to make them understand that you can not live life without them. People so often misuse the word love, making it obsolete. It now means nothing when you tell someone you love them. You must now tell them why, a concrete reason to why and how, and what it means to love them must accompany that statement. People use that word so recklessly that there almost is no word for it in the English language.

I love YOu
More than the word itself expresses
The word so often misused and abused

Betrayal

Comes from so many sides
When someone I love so much
Cares so little
It brings a tear to my eyes
Makes me want to stop the giving to avoid the taking
Stop being real to avoid the faking
Stop flying to avoid the fall
Wishing that I had real friends that would take me for my mistakes
Not judge, but look out for me
When it seems I am ready to fall
Love is not their life
Life is their love
But these girls stay rocking their fuck me pumps
And I’m sick of being apart of their Gucci bag crew
Where are the womyn that love themselves
And want more than new shoes?
Quick gratification
Inconsiderate and useless
Giving the clothes off my back
With nothing in return
But a lonely sigh and an emotional burn

Some girls want to pretend that they know this guy
And are with this man
Although, he may not be the man with the plan
Why waste your time trying to be Miss Popularity
People love you one minute and leave you the next
Like a man
Like a one nightstand
Part time people
Part time friends
Bad things
And just as well all good things must come to an end

Poetic Revelations

So today I performed a poem in front of an audience for the first time. It at an event for sexual assault awareness, called Take Back the Night. You might have heard of a similar event before. I was nervous, but it was really chill, so that was good. I wish that I could have put more feeling into the poem, but next time I'll do better. I am going to be performing at a event on May 23rd. I am going to write a poem soon and practice it, so that it can really be good and I won't be so nervous. Poetry is becoming a bigger part of my life. I've been writing poetry for many years now, but was always too nervous to say it in front of an audience, but I really wanted to say this poem. I love spoken word, I watch Def Poetry all the time, and have even memorized some of the poems that appear on there.

Here's the poem that I said tonight:

I was raped once. But in my mind I've been raped every day of my life because what happened that day has been spinning like a turntable in my head. Back and forth, spinning, around and around, spinning, playing, again and again. Everything from that scence stays warped in my head. And this has become such a part of me that I'm thinking that I should PLEAD insanity.

I was raped once. And every since that day I've been raped 365 days a year. See I was at this party and yes I had been drinking, and yes my shorts were short. But this time I was just looking for a good time without sex.

I didn't say yes but I didn't say no. Because I didn't feel I had the right to. Because someone like me should be happy to have someone like him want me, sexually. I didn't say no but I didn't say yes either because I was afraid of disappointing him. I believed my own being to be so feeble that my sole purpose was so please him. So I lay there as cold, quiet, and un-inviting as my body could sub-concouisly muster. And I wondered how it feels to fuck a partner, who remained so still. How it feels to dominate, how it feels to hate, what created you. I tried to answer these questions and others in my mind while my insides were simultaeneously being ripped apart. I thought about why both of us in this bed hated me so much that we didn't see that it was my right, my right, my right, to say no. No matter how much I had been drinking, no matter how much you consider me a ho, it was my right, my right, my right, to say no.

But he didn't just hate me, he hated himself so he subjected that hate on the opposite of himself. Like the KKK on the black man, like the rich on the poor man.

I didn't say yes but I didn't say no. Because I was afraid that he would try to hurt me if I rejected him.
So as I lay there, being no agent in my pleasure, my freeing or my captivity, I searched for a place in my own mind, where the sun shone like diamonds and my body was mine.

I am the video vixen. I am the ho. I am the bitch. I am the girl who wanted it, who deserved it. I am your girlfriend, your mother, your daughter, your sister, your friend.