Okay Now It Is Finished

So I am sitting here in the waiting room.Waiting.For my brother and my mother to come out of the doctor's office.My brother has an appointment today.Well I am sitting here reading a article in Newsweek.It's titled Lessons from Locke, written by Donna Foote.Well, you know what Locke she is talking about do you not? Yea, that is correct, Locke high school in Watts. One of the, shall I say, roughest, toughest, baddest schools in the Los Angeles area.That is my area, my neighborhood.And all we got is a bunch of beaten down, underprivileged bullshit schools, that work hard to do the opposite of what should be done.What they do is kill a child's dream, kill a child's hope, and most horribly they kill a child's way.A kid graduating(if they graduate at all) from Locke, or Jordan, or Dorsey(all in LA Unified School District,which is one of the worst), will either feel one of two ways.Broken, or ready to conquer the world, after survival that hell hole..Why is it that they almost always feel broken.I went to Morningside for a year, not as bad as the others.But I DID feel as though no one was there to learn and that not one of the officials there cared enough about getting an education only about the school's reputation, which I guess is not ALL bad. So whose to blame? Should we even blame?Who should we blame for the busted school campuses and the incapable teachers?My mother is the only person that got me to the point I am at right now.Not that I am at any point right now.I just realize that its more that a lot of other people are.My mom always made it so that I did not view college as just a option.It was a must, even before I started to get interested in how much education is needed to ensure a person's future.She never forced me to go to college, but embedded in my mind that it was the next rightful step after high school.From early on she stressed the importance of academic excellence,though, I did not always achieve it.She always kept tabs on what homework assignments and projects I needed to complete.She made sure she checked my homework for mistakes and neatness.She went to parent/teacher conferences and rewarded good academic progress.But what good is all this if the schools you attend fall short?You can make the best out of your experience, but no matter what the white kids at the white schools are still getting a better chance to go to those white schools.Is it just because they are white? I'll say yes.Because being white goes hand in hand with white privilege, while we are left to sit alone and ponder the achievement gap.If there's no books to teach in, no desks to sit at, no classrooms to teach in, and of course, no money to fund a better, inventive education, then students fail.Of course, a select few will flourish in this type of environment, lets hope they do not forget about the people that still need help, as so many others do. In a capitalist society, everything costs money. And when motivation has a price on it, it gets tiring.That was my problem throughout my education and still is one.I have problem seeing that missing one minuscule homework assignment will lower my grade, especially when all I want to do is watch the newest episode of The Hills.High school did not prepare me for college, which is why I find myself struggling in college.I did not develop study skills or any other good habits.I should have forced myself to earn better grades and develop the skills that I needed for the future, instead I slacked off and it was allowed by the school system. I can definitely sympathize with the incoming freshman when they say they are scared to come to college because they do not know HOW to study. This is typical since when you are in school the primary goal is not always getting an education, like it should be.I want to help people, I want to help people overcome the problems that I faced because I know better than anyone how to overcome them. I want to help people overcome the problems that this world can bring. I find myself wanting to be a teacher sometimes to better the education system and create and get involved in the reformation of the US education system. I am sure many people have heard of the alarming statistics about how we will one day lose our position as a world power if today's children keep getting the weakest education possible in the United States. I want to be a teacher, until I realize that I do not like kids and that I have a hard time explaining things. I will stick to being a lawyer and one day we will sue the United States government for giving us the poorest education possible, when the children of politicians get the best education possible. Did you know...that if you are illiterate you have a higher probability to commit a crime. So really by not improving education the government is biting their own self in the ass. But how do we at the most basic and grassroots level change education when we have practically no help from the federal government? When everyday we are seeing how it is harder and harder to survive and make a meaningful living without a higher and higher degree of education.I will just say advocate for the need of a good education for today's youth, and if you want to be a teacher and like kids, do that, who cares about the money when you are making a difference.But a raise for teachers, wouldn't hurt either. These damn senators shouldn't be getting paid that much, especially when the Senate is supposed to mirror the population. There is also a lot of possibilities for advancement when you are a teacher, principles were usually once teachers, and they make good money. If I do have kids, I am going to send them to the worst school possible and then I am going to advocate for better materials, and better teachers, and a challenging curriculum, not only because I want to ensure my future child's future, but this nation's future. I love America, hate the government.

Then there's the issue of the CAlifornia High School Exit Exam; a derivative of No Child Left Behind. The problem with No Child Left Behind is that it is backed by virtually no money, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and good intentions is about all No Child Left Behind has, and definitely not any resources. Lets assume the reason why passing the CAHSEE is a necessary requirement is because it would mean that if you could not pass the test then you failed to learn what you needed to learn in your educational career and that you cannot succeed without this information. I feel that if a student cannot pass the test then it is not solely the student's fault. It is the parent's fault, and the schools that taught that student, so why are on the students being punished? Why isn't the school and therefore the government being held accountable also?

The other thing that helped me get to this point, is theother schools that I attended, they weren't the best but they weren't the worst either. There was an environment at those schools that everyone was focused on school. When it came time to apply for college, everyone was doing so, it was the culture of the school during that time. Never should a student, in this day in age, not know when the deadline is to apply for a UC, not know what they have to do to come here, and fall by the waist side.There are schools out here, where no one is going to college, and no one is telling these students that they should go to college.

Teach for America link for wanna be teachers:http://www.teachforamerica.org/

Gates(as in Bill & Melinda Gates,big advocates of education) Foundation link for students:http://www.gatesfoundation.org/default.htm

Image vs Reality

So I was just reading the article behind that satirical (racist) New Yorker magazine picture. But I had to stop so I could write this post. My question is where is the satire? I see no extremes and no call for change in the depiction as required to call something satire. I vote no. But that is not what this post is about. It is about (as the title suggests)…image versus reality. Lauryn Hill is the realest bitch I know. She was quoted as saying, "Fantasy is what people want, and Reality is what they need. I am trying to create reality" I might have misquoted that a bit. I am trying to educate. Then maybe you will educate your children and not hide from them the evils of this world. Then we can finally get a leg up in this world, we can stop being the victim, and since we are oh so good at entertaining, we can stop playing the part so well, and we can stop being oppressed and we can actually get our reparations. I hate when people flaunt their knowledge to show, that they have it instead of for the betterment of others. I want to educate for us. Therefore, I am putting this out here, and it is my hope that some of you can add insight. I am not saying that Bill Clinton was a horrible president, not even that he was a bad president, and not even that his bad deeds outweighed his good deeds. The truth is that we will never be completely satisfied with any candidate or president especially when they look so different from us. What I am saying though, is that, I want us to be able to realize that this world is full of players and even if you are not playing a game, it might be playing you. We must learn that people will put a veil in front of your face to mask the truth. Did we let Bill Clinton's veil/image shield us from the truth/reality? Did you know that more black men went to prison during the Clinton administration than any other besides the Reagan administration? Did you know that Clinton sent more jobs overseas during his administration than any other other administration besides the Reagan administration with his signing of the Outsourcing act into Law? He supported the practice of exploiting for Indian, Indonesian, Chinese families for their cheap labor, making/allowing them to work in deplorable conditions, at the risk of losing limbs, for extremely long, strenuous hours at a time. Little girls and boys who should be getting an education helping to support their families...Clinton let this continue. All the while, we had nothing to say about it. We loved him; we shucked and jived for him, when we should have been the ones that stood up, that spoke out that said something, anything! Instead, we invite him to our awards shows, and dub him "the first black president". Toni Morrison said that he would be closet we ever got to having a black president, besides the fact that she is eating her words right now, I would have hoped such a prominent figure in our community would see what this man was really doing to our community. Did you know that when Clinton won the presidency he abandoned his promises for universal health care and instead changed a 60 year tradition; federal guarantee of support for poor families and their children; a core provision of the Social Security Act and cut off aid to immigrant families, an action that he before called "particularly harsh" and "unjustifiable"?

Every president will have to make decisions that do line up with their promises and our maybe even their beliefs. However, do we have to stand by so idly and even support the man when he did so wrong?

Why was Clinton regarded as a black president? Usually, someone has to be in support of and protect our interests to be down. Nevertheless, not this time huh? We laughed with him about his sexual escapades while he laughed behind our backs. The joke was on us. Now there is nothing that we can do now, he is no longer our president. Maybe he was the best president that we have had thus far, though. Moreover, maybe somebody could prove me wrong. I am always open to learning more.

Love Does Not Exist

Love does not exist. Love does not exist, not the word, not the definition nor the idea. Did you know that in some languages in some cultures there is no such word as "love"? It simply does not exist. So that when you eventually feel what you THINK is love, you can not just say it, you must explain what that feeling is. Try telling someone you love them without using the word itself. You must explain how they have changed your life, you must show them how blessed you are to have them, you must tell them how you can not stop thinking about them. All of this, to make them understand that you can not live life without them. People so often misuse the word love, making it obsolete. It now means nothing when you tell someone you love them. You must now tell them why, a concrete reason to why and how, and what it means to love them must accompany that statement. People use that word so recklessly that there almost is no word for it in the English language.

I love YOu
More than the word itself expresses
The word so often misused and abused

Betrayal

Comes from so many sides
When someone I love so much
Cares so little
It brings a tear to my eyes
Makes me want to stop the giving to avoid the taking
Stop being real to avoid the faking
Stop flying to avoid the fall
Wishing that I had real friends that would take me for my mistakes
Not judge, but look out for me
When it seems I am ready to fall
Love is not their life
Life is their love
But these girls stay rocking their fuck me pumps
And I’m sick of being apart of their Gucci bag crew
Where are the womyn that love themselves
And want more than new shoes?
Quick gratification
Inconsiderate and useless
Giving the clothes off my back
With nothing in return
But a lonely sigh and an emotional burn

Some girls want to pretend that they know this guy
And are with this man
Although, he may not be the man with the plan
Why waste your time trying to be Miss Popularity
People love you one minute and leave you the next
Like a man
Like a one nightstand
Part time people
Part time friends
Bad things
And just as well all good things must come to an end

Poetic Revelations

So today I performed a poem in front of an audience for the first time. It at an event for sexual assault awareness, called Take Back the Night. You might have heard of a similar event before. I was nervous, but it was really chill, so that was good. I wish that I could have put more feeling into the poem, but next time I'll do better. I am going to be performing at a event on May 23rd. I am going to write a poem soon and practice it, so that it can really be good and I won't be so nervous. Poetry is becoming a bigger part of my life. I've been writing poetry for many years now, but was always too nervous to say it in front of an audience, but I really wanted to say this poem. I love spoken word, I watch Def Poetry all the time, and have even memorized some of the poems that appear on there.

Here's the poem that I said tonight:

I was raped once. But in my mind I've been raped every day of my life because what happened that day has been spinning like a turntable in my head. Back and forth, spinning, around and around, spinning, playing, again and again. Everything from that scence stays warped in my head. And this has become such a part of me that I'm thinking that I should PLEAD insanity.

I was raped once. And every since that day I've been raped 365 days a year. See I was at this party and yes I had been drinking, and yes my shorts were short. But this time I was just looking for a good time without sex.

I didn't say yes but I didn't say no. Because I didn't feel I had the right to. Because someone like me should be happy to have someone like him want me, sexually. I didn't say no but I didn't say yes either because I was afraid of disappointing him. I believed my own being to be so feeble that my sole purpose was so please him. So I lay there as cold, quiet, and un-inviting as my body could sub-concouisly muster. And I wondered how it feels to fuck a partner, who remained so still. How it feels to dominate, how it feels to hate, what created you. I tried to answer these questions and others in my mind while my insides were simultaeneously being ripped apart. I thought about why both of us in this bed hated me so much that we didn't see that it was my right, my right, my right, to say no. No matter how much I had been drinking, no matter how much you consider me a ho, it was my right, my right, my right, to say no.

But he didn't just hate me, he hated himself so he subjected that hate on the opposite of himself. Like the KKK on the black man, like the rich on the poor man.

I didn't say yes but I didn't say no. Because I was afraid that he would try to hurt me if I rejected him.
So as I lay there, being no agent in my pleasure, my freeing or my captivity, I searched for a place in my own mind, where the sun shone like diamonds and my body was mine.

I am the video vixen. I am the ho. I am the bitch. I am the girl who wanted it, who deserved it. I am your girlfriend, your mother, your daughter, your sister, your friend.